In Love in Wartime
by sweet-little-kaye
Summary: Tonks knows she has no right to be depressed when there's a war going on.


"Argh, _Tonks!_" George Weasley yelped loudly.

Tonks had just been sprinting out of the room in which the Order of the Phoenix were meeting at Number 12 Grimmauld Place when she collided into Kingsley Shacklebolt. Kingsley had knocked into Fred Weasley, who was walking in the opposite direction with a cup of tea which had been sent flying, the contents of the cup spilling onto the carpet and the glass hitting the shin of Fred's twin.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Tonks began to use a vanishing spell on the carpet, but paused. In her haste, she was trying to catch up to Remus Lupin. Remus didn't always stay for dinner after the meetings and Tonks wanted a chance to speak to him before he left.

"Clean that up for me, will you?" She called behind her shoulder as she clattered towards the kitchens.

"Oh nice," Fred muttered sarcastically, but Tonks didn't hear him. She was already following Remus into the kitchen, where Molly was handing him a cup of tea.

"Remus!" Tonks said brightly, though rather breathlessly.

He looked around and smiled at her pleasantly. Remus was always mild-mannered and kind no matter how terrible things got. That was one of the many things Tonks liked about him.

"Hello, Tonks. Would you like to come and sit?" He gestured to the seat at the table across from him. Tonks floated toward him in delight.

"Don't mind if I do!"

Molly was still at the stove, wiping her hands on a tea towel. Tonks connected eyes with her and an understanding seemed to pass between the two women. Tonks wanted to be alone with Remus. With a wry smile and the faintest hint of a wink, Molly quickly excused herself from the room. Tonks watched her go appreciatively.

"I'm not on duty tonight," Tonks remarked with a grin. "And as we discussed in the meeting, you're not on duty again until tomorrow night."

Remus hummed pleasantly. Yes it was nice to have a break, albeit a short one.

Tonks paused nervously. Remus could be a hard person to read and she had no idea how he would react to what she would say next.

"I thought we might do something together later," She continued quickly before she could lose her nerve. "We could go to a cafe or something, my treat. Not that you couldn't pay your own way," she stopped again in horror. "I wasn't suggesting that at all-"

Remus held his hand up with a kind smile and Tonks closed her mouth. "I'm not offended. That sounds like fun, thank you. I won't lie, I'd welcome a break right about now."

Remus seemed tired, more tired than usual. Tonks knew that there had been a full moon last week which he hadn't fully recovered from, but he looked healthy enough. He'd agreed to come with her, in fact he'd agreed a bit too readily. Tonk's euphoria at his agreement had immediately stifled when she'd realized this fact. Maybe he didn't quite understand that she was asking him to go with her as more than just friendly coworkers.

"I'll pick some place that's casual but still romantic," she tried again in order for him to get the hint.

It took a moment for her words to register, but finally his brows knitted together in confusion.

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"And the penny drops!" Tonks laughed.

"But I- what?"

"You already said yes, so you can't backtrack" Tonks pointed out.

The corners of Remus' mouth upturned and he flushed slightly.

"It's a nice compliment and I admit I'm flattered, but I can't take you out on a date."

Tonks' spirit faltered a little, but she wasn't one to give up.

"I'm the one taking _you_ on a date actually," She said, poking his arm playfully. "And anyway, you already said yes."

"That was before I knew it was a date," Remus chuckled lightheartedly. He was starting to look less embarrassed and more amused by the whole thing.

"I'm a 35 year old man," he pointed out. "And what are you, 19?"

"I'm 22, thanks," She frowned.

"Are wizards your own age in short supply then?" He took a sip of his tea to stifle his laughter.

"Don't make fun of me," Tonks said grumpily. "I'm not a little kid. Anyway it's just a date. It's not like we're getting married."

Remus finished his tea and leaned back in his chair. "Since when are you interested in me this way? Does Sirius know?"

"Sirius can mind his own damn business," Tonks stood up and stalked off, suddenly in a bad mood.

—

Tonks didn't see Remus again until the next week at dinner. Tonks wasn't aware that he was coming and was shocked to see him walk through the front door with Hestia Jones and Mundungus Fletcher in tow. Tonks hurried into the kitchen to escape.

"Tonks, grab three extra plates, will you dear?" Molly asked her. "We have more guests tonight."

Tonks snapped out of her brief paralysis and rushed to get the plates, knocking a mug of coffee out of Arthur's hand and sending it flying through the air and into Ron's lap.

"_Tonks_…!" Ron complained.

"I'm sorry! I'll fix it…" Tonks hurried to vanish the mess, mussing Ron's hair in apology.

"I'll get you another coffee, Arthur-"

"No!" Arthur, Molly and Ron all exclaimed in unison.

"I'll get it, dear," Molly said, placing her hands on Tonks' shoulders and steering her out of the kitchen. "You settle down. You seem a bit flustered."

"Am I?" Tonks said weakly. "I guess I should go sit for a bit."

"Tell the others that the meal will be ready in 5 minutes," Molly ordered before promptly shoving her out of the kitchen.

Tonks was halfway to the living room when she saw Remus in the hall in the middle of a lively conversation with Sirius and Harry.

She did her best to creep by unnoticed, but her foot caught the edge of a bureau, leading to a very old and very expensive looking glass vase falling from its place atop it.

Remus caught the vase before it could hit the ground and checked it over before returning it to its original spot and glancing at her.

"Ah, Tonks!" He looked happy to see her. Tonks' stomach did a nervous flip at the sight of him, but that didn't mean she had forgiven him for laughing in her face the other day.

"You should've let her break that vase, Moony," Sirius could barely hide his disgust at the sight of it. "My mother used to love that thing like it was her own child."

Tonks flushed. Why did she always have to embarrass herself in front of Remus?

"Wotcher, Harry!" Tonks changed the subject, turning her attention to the teen.

"Hi, Tonks. I like your hair."

Tonks had chosen a head full cherry red pin curls today.

"Thanks." She stood there awkwardly for a moment, doing her best not to look Remus in the eye. "Um, Molly says to tell you that dinner is ready in 5 minutes."

"Right," Remus frowned. "Actually, I'd been hoping to speak to you in private about that mission we have together next week."

"Mission?" Tonks repeated in confusion, but Remus had already grabbed her elbow and dragged her into the empty meeting room.

"Tonks, I want to apologize if I insulted you the other night. It was unintentional," he said sincerely. "I meant no offence to you. You're a clever and talented woman and I know you're not a child. I was just shocked."

He did seem truly apologetic, and Tonks felt her heart leap at the kindness in his eyes. How could she stay mad at him?

"Apology accepted," Tonks smiled after a moment.

"Really?" Remus seemed surprised that her forgiveness required no further prompting.

"If you agree to go out with me. Even if it's just for a coffee?" Tonks bit her lip, bracing herself for rejection.

"You don't give up easily do you?" Remus groaned, sliding his hand over his face in frustration.

"No, I don't!" Tonks replied cheerfully. "So what do you say?"

Remus paused and thought a little. "I say that I'm happy to go with you _as friends_," he emphasized.

_I can work with that_, Tonks reasoned. It was a good way to get her foot in the door, anyway. Remus was bound to like her as more if they only had an opportunity to spend more time together.

"Okay, deal!" She said eventually. "Pick you up at 8:00?"

—

Tonks bounded into Number 12 Grimmauld Place. She was so delighted that she forgot to watch out for the umbrella stand and as a result, Mrs. Black was currently shouting the house down.

"Tonks is here," Sirius said flatly without looking up from his copy of the _Daily Prophet_.

"How did you know it was me?" Tonks said indignantly.

"Who else would knock over the umbrella stand?"

Tonks humphed. He had a point. "Why are you reading that trash?"

"In case they mention Harry in it," he explained, but Tonks wasn't listening. She had already removed her cloak and advanced further into the room.

"Is Remus here?"

Sirius smirked knowingly. "So it isn't me that you're here to see, dear cousin?"

"Not likely," Tonks countered. "Is he here or not?"

"No, not for another hour or two."

"Oh," Tonks flopped down in a nearby chair. She was a little disappointed, but still unable to contain her happiness.

"We kissed last night," She gushed. She couldn't help it. "It happened when we went out 'as friends.'"

"You did?" Sirius raised his eyebrow skeptically. "Doesn't sound like Moony."

"Well it happened," Tonks bit back.

"Whatever you say," Sirius shook his head, holding back his barely contained laughter.

—

"Ugh,_ really Tonks_? How is that even possible?"

Tonks had just spilled an entire bowl of soup onto a book Hermione had been reading.

"Sorry, it was an accident! I'll clean it right up!"

Hermione muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "I should hope so."

"Hey, I heard that! And you really shouldn't be reading in the kitchen anyway, little lady," Tonks stuck her tongue out at Hermione before cleaning the mess with a wave of her wand. The pages of the book were now dry, but a little crumpled.

Hermione got up and stomped out of the room, remarking something about how she wouldn't need to read in the kitchen if the library wasn't so dusty.

Tonks resolved to sit down and stay still until Remus came. That way she couldn't ruin anything. She was more clumsy when she was nervous after all.

Tonks was a little bit worried about how Remus would react to seeing her today. Yesterday they had both been a little tipsy on firewhisky. Remus' lips against hers had felt so right. Tonks felt that she would just die if she couldn't feel it again.

"Tonks…" Remus colored when he walked into the kitchen moments later, clearly not expecting to run into her. "I was hoping to see Mad-Eye-" He explained.

"And what, I'm a disappointment to you?" Tonks said folding her arms, but her grin was playful.

"No, of course not!" He spluttered. It wasn't often that Remus was at a loss for words. Tonks laughed aloud.

"Come here," she took his hand in hers and tugged him closer. "I've missed you."

She went to kiss his mouth, but he jerked backwards. "_Tonks. _Anyone could walk in."

Realizing he was right, Tonks released him.

"Sorry," she said breathlessly, her eyes wide with excitement as she sat down. "It's just that I had such a good time with you last night-"

"Tonks, we can't do this," Remus said, lowering his voice.

Tonks' blood seem to freeze over. _Oh no, he was not doing this…_

"What, two people in their 20s and 30s can't have a relationship? What exactly is stopping us, Remus?" Tonks tried to appear in good humor, but her voice cracked and gave her away. He couldn't do this to her, he just couldn't.

"I'm-"

"You're what?" Tonks stood up, grabbing him by the shoulders. "I don't care about how old you are, Remus!"

"I'm a _werewolf_," He gestured to himself wildly.

"And?" Tonks did everything in her power to keep her voice even. "You think I didn't know that before I asked you out?"

"I don't date, Tonks. I don't date for a reason. I like you," He breathed, moving closer to her.

Tonks reveled in his closeness and had trouble focusing on his words because of it.

"I like you very much, in fact. You're a bright girl and you're vivacious. I like spending time with you. But I don't think we should be anything more, both for your sake and for mine."

"We're just having fun, Remus. It doesn't have to be anything serious," She tried.

"We both know that isn't true, Tonks." He shook his head. "We might grow to care for one another, and I can't have that."

Tonks wanted to yell, to cry, to scream. But she didn't. She knew if she made things into a bigger deal than they were that she'd lose Remus forever.

"Fine, no more dates," She finally agreed begrudgingly.

"Good," Remus said relieved as he moved away from her.

"Just one more kiss though?" Tonks suggested with her best flirty smirk.

Remus flicked at her nose playfully. "Absolutely not."

—

Tonks didn't let up on the flirting after that. In fact, she flirted with Remus more often and more obviously than ever before.

Remus would always pretend not to notice, thought the faint flush on his face always betrayed him.

"Want a bite?" Tonks held up the turkey sandwich she had been munching on. The two of them had just finished a mission together on Dumbledore's orders and were now resting in a nearby muggle pub.

Remus had ordered a coffee and looked to be nearly half asleep.

Tonks hadn't flirted with him all day. When it came to missions Tonks always got into auror mode. There wasn't any sense in mixing work with play, Tonks reasoned. Now that their mission was over, however, Tonks was ready to ramp up the flirting to the max.

"I'm alright, thanks," Remus said with a yawn. Tonks shrugged and continued to eat hungrily.

"How do you stay so energetic? I'm exhausted after that."

Tonks smirked. "Maybe it's the fact that I'm a 19 year old witch straight out of Hogwarts, whereas you're just a decrepit 60 year old man."

Remus had the heart to chuckle at her comment, smiling wryly. "I apologized for that one already," he shook his head. "I know you're 21."

"22," Tonks corrected.

"Right." Remus took another sip of his coffee.

"Why don't we go back to my place? We can rest there. It's nearer than headquarters and we could both use a nap," Tonks suggested.

"How did you manage to make that sound so racy?" Remus pushed his coffee cup aside and stood up. "I'll admit I could do with a rest, but don't know if I could stomach Flu Powder right now. Or a Portkey for that matter." He began to look slightly sick at the thought.

"Nah, apparition and a short walk should do the trick," Tonks said cheerfully. She stood and looped arms with the older man.

—

Tonks awoke the next morning to find Remus gone.

She knew that what they'd done together wasn't just sex, it was love. Tonks could tell from the way he touched her, the way he looked at her.

The walls of her home suddenly felt cold and empty without Remus' presence.

—

"You can't avoid me, Remus. We work together, it's not possible." Tonks reminded him when she saw him again at headquarters nearly two weeks later. They were in Sirius' father's old library. Tonks had been planning to sneak up on him so he couldn't run away, but her need to cough from the amount of dust forced her to announce herself earlier than anticipated. Molly clearly hadn't organized for the library to be cleaned yet.

He looked surprised to see her, but determined all the same.

"_We can't-" _He started.

"We can't have fun as two consenting adults?" Tonks stepped closer until she was close enough to whisper in his ear. "I need you. You felt so good inside of me, Remus,"

"Tonks!" Remus gasped, pulling away from her. It was the middle of the day and headquarters was buzzing with people, including underaged wizards. Even now the walls around them were abuzz with the chatter of various conversations happening around them.

Tonks stepped away from Remus, blushing.

"I have to go," Remus said decidedly, making his way to the door.

"Remus, wait!" Tonks ran to catch up with him, but once she peeked through the doorway he was gone. She sulked all the way down the stairs, nearly knocking into Severus Snape in the process.

"Have you seen Remus?" She asked him, but deep down she knew it was hopeless. Remus had gone somewhere far away from her.

"Lovers tiff?" Snape replied with a nasty grin.

"Oh, shut up." Tonks stomped past him in attempt to make a dignified exit, but missed a few stairs on the way down and almost twisted her ankle as a result.

"You're a dangerous one, Nymphadora," he shook his head and tsked. "You have to be clumsiest auror in the force. I can't imagine what use you could be to anyone with those two left feet of yours.

Tonks glanced around quickly to make sure no children were around before she bit back, "Get fucked, Snivellus."

Snape's expression went from gloating to angry in half a second. Tonks didn't know the context behind 'Snivellus,' but she knew Sirius often used the name to get under Snape's skin and it always seemed to work.

Satisfied, Tonks trudged down to the front door to take her leave as well. She was careful not to knock over the umbrella stand on the way out.

—

"Fancy seeing you here," Tonks said brightly.

Remus jumped at the sound of her voice.

"Please don't sneak up on me like that," He frowned. He must have been very consumed in his thoughts not have not heard Tonks trudging up the spiral staircase moments before.

They were in Dumbledore's office as they were meant to be meeting with him today on official Order business, but the older wizard was nowhere to be found. Remus was sitting in the seat across from the his desk. Tonks plopped herself into the headmaster's chair and put her legs up on his desk in relaxation.

"Where's Dumbledore?" Tonks looked around the room curiously.

"No doubt dealing with some ridiculous 'educational decree' from that horrible Umbridge woman. This place has become a zoo ever the Ministry put her charge," Remus cringed at the thought.

"Well then it looks like it's just you and me. I wonder what mischief we could get up to with the headmaster away," She hinted with a suggestive raise of the eyebrow.

"Well I never!" The portrait of Phineus Nigellus Black sputtered from its place on the wall. "Young people in this modern age! In my day we had so much more respect-"

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Anyway Remus, what do you say we go out after this? We could have dinner."

Remus leaned away from the young witch uncomfortably. "And by 'dinner' you mean another rampant sexual escapade just like last time."

"Hey, that wasn't my fault! We were both a little drunk," Tonks had the heart to look amused.

"No," Remus said with a tone of finality.

Tonks folded her arms, feeling hurt. "_Fine._"

—

It had happened again. Tonks groaned as Remus eagerly slammed her against the opposite wall, his lips traveling over her clavicle. Tonks slid her fingers into his hair and giggled slightly.

"I'm ticklish there, Remus!"

"Sorry-" He froze.

"No, no don't stop!" Tonks stole another kiss before pushing him onto the bed, smirking.

—

This time he stayed the night, clearly too exhausted to make an early exit before Tonks could wake up. Tonks had breakfast ready for him this time and presented it to him proudly.

"Ta-da!" Tonks had laid out a full English. Remus looked impressed at the spread, though slightly unsure.

"I'm grateful, but I really should be heading back-" He started. He was already fully dressed and fastening his cloak on.

"Sit down, Remus Lupin," Tonks barked, sounding remarkably like Molly.

Remus sat without protesting and Tonks watched him tuck in. Slowly he began to look more energetic as his strength returned.

Eventually he was full enough to talk and they got into a spirited discussion about house elves rights, then they started speaking about their families. Remus smiled uncomfortably but didn't reply when Tonks remarked that he ought to meet her father and mother. Tonks wished she could take away some of the pain of Remus' childhood, but she knew there was nothing to be done about the past.

_Sod the past_, Tonks thought. _Remus Lupin deserves a great future_.

_A future with me._

—

"No." Remus groaned in frustration.

"Why can't you move in here with me?" Tonks shook her head. "Honestly, playing hard to get doesn't make sense anymore, Remus. You stay over with me practically every night anyway after we-"

"Enough," Remus cut her off, turning red with embarrassment. "We aren't together, Tonks. I'm an idiot for making you believe we were. It's my own fault."

"But-"

"No," he repeated. "Thanks for the tea, but I have to go. I'm on guard duty tonight."

Remus was putting on his cloak to leave when something came over Tonks and she shouted, "I love you, Remus!"

The older man froze halfway between the space in the den and the front door.

"I know you love me too. It'll be best for both of us if you stop pretending." Tonks watched his face darken and slowly she began to realize that she might have made a mistake in putting her feelings out in the open so soon.

After a long moment of tense silence, he finally replied, "We're not doing this anymore."

The man then disapparated with a loud pop. Hands shaking, Tonks sank to the floor, her vision quickly blurring with tears.

—

Sirius was gone.

Suddenly Tonks was hyperaware of her own mortality as well as Remus' too. _It could've easily been us instead of him._

Now more than ever it was important to be spend the time they had left wisely.

Remus flinched when Tonks told him as much. They were at the Burrow and, try as they might, it was difficult to have a discussion in a space occupied by so many people. They had both gone out in the garden near the shed to escape Fleur Delacour's complaints about English cooking when Tonks seized her opportunity and grabbed him by the hand.

"I can't do this right now," Remus looked more grieved than ever. "Not after-"

_Sirius._

Tonks dragged him into the shed and shut the door behind them.

"But don't you see, we have to do this for him! He wouldn't have wanted-"

"How would you know what he would've wanted?" Remus snapped back with uncharacteristic anger. "You didn't know him like I did."

"I didn't know him long, but I knew him enough to know he would've wanted you to be _happy_," Tonks grabbed at his arms now with desperation.

"Oh Tonks, don't you get it?" Remus signed heavily. "We're in the middle of a war. There's no such thing as_ happy._"

Tonk's lip trembled as he pulled out of her grasp. His words cut her deeply because a part of Tonks knew he was right. Suddenly she felt as though she was being terribly selfish. She had no right to want to be happy when people were dying and losing their loved ones with each passing day. It hurt her that Remus wouldn't be with her, but what right had she to be depressed about it? This was a _war and _everybody was depressed…she wasn't the only one exempt from the cruelty of their new reality.

But still Tonks couldn't quite give up hope that someday there would be peace. She couldn't let go of that dream, not yet.

"How can you say that, Remus?" She choked out tearfully, "We're still here. We're still healthy. We can still-"

Suddenly the door to the shed swung open.

"Oops-" Ginny's ears turned as red as her hair as she looked between Remus and Tonks. "I'll just-"

"I was just leaving," Remus said, giving Ginny a small pained smile on his way out. "Please make my excuses to your parents."

Tonks watched him go, tears spilling down her cheeks and letting out a choked sob.

Tonks felt Ginny's arm slide around her.

"How much of that did you hear?" Tonks sighed, leaning into the younger girl.

"I heard enough. What a bastard!" Ginny said angrily. "There was no need for him to be so harsh."

"How could he do this?!" Tonks cried, "Doesn't he care about me at all?"

"Don't cry," Ginny said firmly. "Really, you shouldn't. Boys are stupid at any age. If there's anything I've learned it's that no guy is worth crying over."

"Yeah," Tonks gasped. "Yeah…"

—

Dumbledore was gone. Tonks had made a fool of herself in the hospital wing. Remus would probably never talk to her again after she'd made a spectacle of their situation in front of everybody. Not to mention she hated her new mousy brown hair. It just wouldn't change colors no matter how hard she tried. She didn't feel like herself anymore. Even her own patronus wasn't her own anymore.

The prospect of Dumbledore's funeral only made her feel more depressed.

Tonks looked out at the grounds from her spot on the astronomy tower. This was where it happened. This was where Snape had killed Dumbledore and destroyed all of their hopes that the war would be over soon. Now Tonks wasn't sure if it would ever be over at all.

Tonks dabbed at the tears that ran down her face, cooling her cheeks. It was all so hopeless.

"Tonks?" A voice came from behind her and Tonks turned to see Remus standing there looking unsure. He didn't seem angry, at least.

"Oh, Remus!" Before she knew it, Tonks was sobbing into his cloak, the memory of what transpired between them in the hospital wing suddenly gone from her thoughts.

"I just can't believe he's gone," She trembled, grasping him tighter. He held her close to him and let her cry as he stroked her back. She cried so much that eventually she seemed to run out of tears.

They stayed on the roof until it became slightly chilly, as the sun began to set.

"We should go inside," He finally suggested.

She nodded and he started to lead her through the doors back into the school. She leaned against him, taking in his scent as they walked. If death and destruction was to be their future, she at least wanted to enjoy one last moment with Remus. She wanted to apologize to him for her behavior back in the hospital wing, but his kind smile told her that an apology was unneeded. He'd already forgiven her and forgotten the incident.

She didn't want to fight with him anymore, she realized. If he didn't want to be more than friends with her then he had the right to make that decision for himself. It wasn't right for Tonks to pressure or force him into it.

She squeezed Remus even tighter with the knowledge that she would soon be forced to let go. Remus didn't want her. Tonks would just have to learn to get used to that fact and accept it if she wanted to keep him in her life as a friend.

"And Tonks?" He spoke again softly.

"Hm?" She looked up at him questioningly.

"I miss your colorful hair."

Tonks laughed, though it was a bit strained. Laughter seemed to feel different now.

"I was thinking of dyeing it actually. It won't bloody change no matter what I do," She shrugged.

Remus paused thoughtfully, looping a strand of her hair around his finger. "What if I tried something?"

Her entire world was at war and everything was terrible, but things would be a little bit less terrible if she at least felt like herself. Having brightly colored hair again would definitely help with that.

"What, do you know a spell?" She asked hopefully.

Tonks' brows furrowed in confusion as Remus leaned down closer to her.

His lips were soft and careful against hers. Tonks let out a noise in surprise, but quickly began to kiss him back. Suddenly she felt as though she was floating.

Remus pulled away momentarily and smiled at her.

Tonks seemed to be completely frozen in shock, but Remus just laughed aloud and touched at her hair again.

"There, it's pink!"

Peering at her reflection in a nearby window, Tonks could see that her hair had indeed become a vivid hot pink.

Tonks touched at the glass, stunned. Suddenly she felt as though she could cry again, though this time not with sadness.

Tonks turned back to Remus.

"Tonks I should apologize for before-" He started, but Tonks silenced him with another eager kiss. She laughed against his lips.

"You don't have to apologize," Tonks grabbed his fingers in her own trembling ones. She wanted to pinch herself in case she was dreaming. She couldn't bear the thought of none of this being real. She gave Remus' hand an extra squeeze. "That is, you don't have to apologize as long as you're finally done saying no to me."

Slowly Remus' worried gaze was replaced with a gentle smile. "My dear, I'll never say no to you ever again."

At his words, warmth coursed through her body. With her fingers still firmly linked with his, the two of them made their way back into the castle.


End file.
